Being Sensitive to Couples without Children

By Ana Nelson Shaw

This article appeared in our church magazine (Ensign) in August of 2000. CLICK HERE for the direct link. The bullet points are Ana's. My thoughts are italicized.

• Remember that the circumstances in which infertility occurs vary greatly from couple to couple. Infertility may result from a health condition on the part of either or both spouses. Sometimes couples become infertile after they already have a child or children. Some have married later or waited to try to have children, and some have not. Regardless, all deserve compassion and freedom from stereotypes. Nic and I have always been asked if children and when we answer 'no" sometime we get funny looks from people and they ask a follow up question: 'Why? Don't you want kids?' It always made me feel guilty for not having kids-though Nic and I knew the medical challenges that were facing us. Now when people I ask, I have no problem telling them the whole story.

• For some sensitive situations, such as baby showers, it might be wise to ask first whether a person wants to be invited. You don’t have to handle infertile people with kid gloves; just ask how they feel and if they are up to certain events. But be sure to include them in Church and family activities. It doesn't bother me being invited to baby showers. If I want to go I will and if not, I won't. Simple as that. I went through a period where it was really hard for me to attend baby showers but it was something I had to deal with. Don't try to 'protect' me. I'm a big girl.

• Try not to second-guess a couple’s medical treatments or other actions. They have most likely been careful and prayerful in making difficult decisions. Trust that they have learned what is best for their family. Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord. Amen sister! When Nic and I made our decision to adopt BEFORE IVF, I think it was a little difficult for some people. (By these next few statements, I am not trying to hurt any one's feelings). When Nic was diagnosed with cancer, there was a plan put in place. This plan was made before we were married. That plan did not include my input. We prayed about how we should start our family and we got different answers. I felt we should adopt and Nic felt we should stick to the "plan." I agreed to stick to the "plan." We tried the "plan" for 1 1/2 years and it failed. I had to have a serious discussion with Nic and let him know that though there was a "plan" put in place building OUR family was a decision that was only between US and the Lord. Though some people still may not understand our decision, we have spent a lot of time on our knees and know that this is what the Lord would have us do.

• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard—particularly in Latter-day Saint culture—when one cannot become a parent.

• Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying “You’ll get pregnant if you just relax” implies that you think infertility is the couple’s own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. “You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as “It will happen in the Lord’s time” can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime. I was never told to 'relax' but I was told what I should include in my diet to make me a 'fertile mertile.' I would just smile and say thanks but it KILLED me when people told me what I should be doing. Though I hated hearing "it will happen on the Lord's time" because I wanted it NOW, I realize now that this is true. The Lord is over all.

• Express your support and love with simple, positive, non intrusive comments such as “I love you” or “I have been praying for you.” Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility. Keeping us in your prayers is always welcoming! :) I like how she said "trial of infertility." When I was "in the moment" I didn't feel like it was a trial, it felt more like a curse. Now that I have been able to emerge from the darkness, I realized that dealing with infertility was a trial of my faith and trust in the Lord. I am grateful for my trials.